dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
