mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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