Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
