If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
even my farts smell like vagina
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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