I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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