you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
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