Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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