so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
