Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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