Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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