i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
