I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
do nipples grow back?
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