Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
