Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
