I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
