I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
