I faked an abortion last night.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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