I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
