I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
