last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
