he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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