Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
