She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Randomize
