Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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