It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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