..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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