You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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