dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
