apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
