i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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