That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
