Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
