Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
