Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
