The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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