i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
