I CAN MOONWALK!
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
