Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I will be naked everywhere
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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