I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
