My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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