It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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