what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
