I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
