never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
