Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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