Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
