In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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