He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
