You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
