I accidentally had phone sex last night
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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