One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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