The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
