so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
