and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
