The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
