Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
try to milk me bitch
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