He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
