You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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