there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
God, I missed his penis.
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