She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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